· I’ve imagined that I’ve had exclusive
communications with an omnipotent deity that sees all, knows all and has
expressed a complete intolerance of other religions and/or deities. The deity has instructed me to go out into
the world and recruit gullible and disenfranchised people and persuade them to blindly
follow me along the path of stupidity sorry I meant righteousness. First though I’ve had to compose some absurd membership
rules (the more ridiculous the better otherwise nobody will take my religion
seriously); then I have to write a very long book with lots of stories seeking
to, (a) justify each of the rules, and (b) threaten eternal damnation on those
who disobey them (sorry I borrowed that last bit from of a couple of existing faiths). Here are the rules, in no particular order:
o
Gender. Randomly
select a whole section of the population and classify them as second-class
beings. I’ve chosen women, I know it’s
been done before but I’m a bloke and it was my choice so it was a bit of a
no-brainer.
o
Hair. Decide
on a stupid haircut, the more impractical the better. I decided that the right side of the head
should be completely shaved and the left allowed to grow to waist length. This is for men only, I don’t like bald
women. Facial hair is only allowed on
the right side opposite to the head hair.
o
Genital Mutilation. (This one was difficult since circumcision
male and female had been done before and I didn’t want to be accused of too
much copying). After a great deal of
thought I’ve decided to go with penile piercing. Yes I know that will be uncomfortable at
first, but it has the potential for making life uncomfortable for women and gay
men and that seems to be the order of the day with most religions. Clitoral piercing can be optional but only
for girls of 16 and over and if conducted by a male priest in the presence of
the whole family and invited guests (I wouldn’t want it to seem weird or
anything).
o
Homosexuality.
At first I was tempted to ban homosexuality but everyone does that and I
couldn’t think of any appropriate stories that would be good for my book when I
write it so I thought, whatever let’s go with it.
o
Sex. I
thought about this one for a long time and in the end (as it’s necessary for
procreation), I decided to allow it but instruct priests to make people guilty
for doing it. I’m confident that I can
think of some interesting stories for my big book.
o
Iconic Symbol.
All successful religions have a symbol, crosses, moons and stars have
all been used so decided to go with the question mark. It will keep people guessing and will be
frequently used and therefore brought to mind and Spanish people can even use
it upside down. I can explain that it
represents the mystery of life.
o
Food. Now
I love my grub so I was a bit reluctant on this one, but convention has it that
there has to be some sort of culinary restriction, so after a great deal of consideration
I’ve decided that the holy faith dish will be hamburger or kebab eaten with
alcohol on Saturdays between midday and midnight; but that Brussels sprouts and
broccoli will be declared the food of the Devil (that last bit should be popular
with younger generation).
o
Clothing.
Now most of the silly forms of clothing have already been adopted so I was
a little bit stuck on this. The Mormons have
already done underwear, the Muslims pyjamas, and the followers of Judaism have
got overcoats; so I’ve gone for socks. People
are to wear one blue and one mauve whenever outdoors except when swimming. Women can be excused hosiery under the age of
thirty but only if they shave their legs.
o
Behaviour.
Basically much the same as everybody else’s but with a few amendments,
additions and omissions. Don’t follow
other religions or pray to any deity than the one recommended by me. Don’t kill, steal, or lie. Don’t have it away with other people’s life
partners. Look after your mum and
dad. Take at least one day a week off to
chillax. Try to remember that children
are only children so try not use them as unpaid labour or sex toys. (This list is not exhaustive and I may wish
to amend or add to it at a later date).
o
Headwear.
Once again the competition has hoovered up the most of the really good
examples like bits of cloth wrapped round the head, homburgs, female balaclavas
and little knitted coasters. So I’ve gone
a bit radical here and opted for a unisex pink bandana.
o
Days of the week. We have to have a holy day so I’ve chosen
Wednesday to try to break the week up a bit.
o
Priests. I
was going to stick celibacy in here but none of the others obey that one so I didn’t
see the point. I’ve opted for male
priests just to wind the women up and get a bit of controversy going.
o
These rules aren’t set in stone (did you see
what I did there?), I anticipate that the priests will use their imaginations and
develop ways to make them even more ridiculous.
Given time I imagine other rules will be added and regional spin off
branches of my religion will adapt them so they have a reason to kill each
other over who is right.
·
Prophet.
As founding member of the religion and author of the big book it’s only
right that I should be the prophet. I needed
a name and obviously it needed to be distinctive and original. ‘Colin’ was obviously not going to hack it as
a guide to Paradise, so and after a great deal of deliberation I’ve opted for ‘Jemojebu’.
I think I’ve covered most things,
but if something else comes up I can always have another one of my exclusive
conversations with our deity and pass on any revelations that come up. All I've got to do now is write the big book. Let me see, "In the beginning...."
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