Important Advice To Prospective New Government Ministers

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions ask your party leader about the benefits of a ministerial career.

A ministerial career is the safe, natural way for politicians to feel better and more confident about themselves or their actions.  It can help ease you out of you shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

Feelings of insecurity about the size of genitalia will disappear on appointment (this benefit is normally only felt in male ministers, but there are exceptions).

You will notice the benefits of a ministerial career almost immediately and will start to feel that you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you and almost everybody else were unaware you had.

A ministerial career will make you believe you know what you’re talking about; especially if it involves an area of expertise that has never troubled your consciousness in the past (this is particularly useful when shifting from one department to another).

All those times when you thought you were useless and incompetent will become a dim and distant memory once you begin your ministerial career.

WARNINGS

Side effects may include:

·         Incidents of severe criticism from professionals and experts in the field of the things you last spoke. These are best ignored as they may tend cause you to reconsider your actions.

·         A sharp decline in the standard of services provided by the department of which you are head.  Once again denial is the best strategy as these effects can be easily explained when challenged by changing the subject and answering a different question than that asked.

·         Becoming a minister may give you the illusion that when you speaking you are not lying (this is not normally accurate)

·         Although a ministerial career may make you believe that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most other people this is rarely the case and minute comparison with others should therefore be avoided.

·         Ministers also often experience frequent accusations of Onanism.

Blaming departmental shortfalls on (a) other parties (b) previous post-holders and/or global forces will only be temporarily effective and it is generally considered best to resort to obfuscation or mendacity.

Ministers should also be aware that upon leaving government genital dimensions revert to normal.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many other members of your party that you feel could benefit.

Now that you know some of the benefits of a ministerial career, just think what you could do with a premiership….

Anybody interesting in applying for a ministerial post can get further information and details about training in advanced sycophancy and toadying techniques from the Chief Whip’s office.

* Acknowledgements to the author of similar advice for consumers of cabernet sauvignon.