Saturday 16 August 2008

If this is reality give me fantasy any day

Oh joy of joys, a glance at the new edition of the Radio Times informs me that a new series of 'X Factor' begins this evening. This means that with judicious use of my DVR, I will be able to fill my whole evening with 'reality' vote-off shows like ‘Last Choir Standing’, ‘X Factor’ and ‘Big Brother’.

Big Brother; whose idea was this exercise in collective madness? People sit down and tune in to watch a group of individuals who at best belong in some sort of counselling, and at worst in a psychiatric hospital or prison. These characters (known as housemates) are then teased, goaded and provoked into committing various activities of a dubious moral or sexual nature with other housemates (mates?). Some of these acts seem specifically designed to speed up an admission to one of the afore-mentioned psychiatric hospitals or prisons. For some reason for next three months (yes THREE months) the tabloid press the become obsessed with this drivel until thankfully a phone-in vote determines the winner and we are given a few months respite until it all begins again.

For those among us who bemoan the passing of bear-baiting, cock-fighting and dog-fighting as a legitimate pastime we now have the option of the ‘X Factor’. For those that have had the good judgement not to have tuned into this programme. It is a ‘talent’ show where people, mostly with anything they might have had approaching talent, genetically substituted by some sort of medical, physical or psychological disorder, are paraded for public humiliation. These unfortunate creatures are then ‘judged’ by a panel of ‘celebrity’ has-beens, themselves of little or no talent and an over-inflated view of their own worth. The adjudication is seen by these irritating twerps as an opportunity to further mortify those that they do not want to get through or to give unrealistic expectations to those they do. The former then further degrade themselves by begging or pleading with the judges to change their mind; and the former embarrass themselves by displays sycophancy not seen since the days of Saddam Hussein. After weeks of shows where the producers have sought to find and broadcast the most hideously embarrassing incidents of the pre-selection process, they then move to the knock-out stage where performers are voted in or out (I’m not sure which) by the public using an 0900 phone-in voting system (most of these have been discredited over the last year or two but people still seem prepared to use them.

What I'd like to know is what number do I have to call to get them all off the air?

Friday 15 August 2008

Are we really this stupid?

It seems that TV producers consider viewers to have the memory of Alzheimic goldfish. Whilst watching 'The Hotel Inspector' last evening, at beginning of the hour long show we were treated to a précis of what was about to be shown, including a brief curriculum vitae of the presenter (in spite of the fact we are nearing the end of the series and most of us could probably recite her qualifications backwards), as we approached the first commercial break we were reminded of what we had just seen and told what would happen after the ads. (This included much of the information we were given at the start of the show).

Having sat through five minutes of inane advertisements for loans, hair products, cars and life improvement products for geriatrics, accompanied by music and sound effects played at 20 decibels above the rest of the broadcast; the programme recommenced. And, just in case we had forgotten, we were given a run down on what had gone before. The programme briefly continued before we were presented another reminder of what had happened before the break and a clue of what to expect after the next interlude.

Following a repeat showing of the same commercials at the same ear-splitting volume as before; the third section began with, yes you guessed it, a summary of what had gone before and a hint or two of what was to come. A few more minutes of the actual programme content and then, wait for it, yes more scintillating indications of what to expect after the third break of deafening adverts for products that by now you wouldn’t buy if they were the last on the planet.

When the fourth section of the programme commenced our memory was jogged yet again about what we had seen and what we were about to see before we moved on to the weightier matters of what the programme had been attempting put across. By this time, most of us had lost the will to live, and were beginning to imagine we had been reincarnated into a remake of ‘Groundhog Day’.

I suppose you might call this a déjà review.

Thursday 14 August 2008

What are TV listing magazines for?

What with the European Cup and the Olympics it has been almost impossible to find an evenings TV viewing this summer. Summertime TV is notorious for repeats and naff programmes imported from America; but this year the TV companies have surpassed themselves. If you're not interested in sport, reality knockout shows, soap operas with plotlines that would stretch the ability of the brain dead to suspend disbelief, or programmes about people with too much money either building or buying expensive houses; then forget it.

We were promised that the advent of digital TV would end all of this; and when the service was enhanced by a DVR our viewing habits would be transformed as we became dazzled by choice. But what has happened? Our channel choice has expanded to include ones that repeat what was on an hour ago, what was on yesterday, what was last year and what was on decades ago.

As if all this wasn't bad enough, when you sit down with you listing magazine to cherry pick the few programmes that might be worth viewing and plan your viewing in conjunction with your DVR; You find that some imbecile at the broadcasting agency has decided that what you really want to watch is a football match between teams competing for a place in a competition that is until next year. Thank you Radio Times what is the point; wrong two nights running.